ARE YOU A GOOD FRIEND?

By DR VICKI BISMILLA

In books seven and eight of Ethics, Aristotle writes that there are three different kinds of friendship.

The first is friendship based on utility, where both people derive some benefit from each other.

The second is friendship based on pleasure, where both people are drawn to the other’s fun-loving qualities.

The third is friendship based on goodness, where both people admire the other’s virtues and help each other strive for goodness.

The first two kinds of friendship are short-lived because one’s needs and pleasures change over time. Goodness, Aristotle maintains, is an enduring quality, so friendships based on goodness tend to be long lasting. This friendship can encompass the other two, as good friends are useful to one another and please one another. Such friendship is rare and takes time to develop, but it is the best.

Different sorts of people can be friends for reasons of pleasure or utility, but only goodness in people nurtures friends for each other’s sake. It’s amazing that Aristotle lived over two thousand years ago (384-322 BC), 300 years before Christ, yet his definitions apply in today’s world.

Friendships based on utility often occur in careers when the parties gain something as a result of the friendship like “networking” or becoming friends with someone because you think they can help you. Can those friendships dissolve if the utility is no longer present? For example, friendships with work colleagues when one changes jobs, or even with such often-seen acquaintances as hairdressers or with sports partners when you move away or can’t play anymore – do those friendships continue? Sometimes, not often. But I know that there are some genuine friendships forged at work, not necessarily by utility but because you find you share similar values and I know from experience that some of those friendships continue way after retirement.

The second kind, friendships based on pleasure, are likely people with whom you can have a good, carefree time. But they may not be forged in any lasting way to continue for lengths of time.

The third kind, friendships based on virtue, would be those in which both individuals share similar values, people whom you admire and respect, and with whom you align on what you find most important in life.

Most of us choose our paths ourselves or are guided by parents, our studies or personal factors intrinsic to our own lives. The path we choose is defined by our own personal set of goals and values. Friends are a help and a comfort along the way, but can we, should we, expect them to share all our goals and values? I am always guided by the reminder in my head, “Never assume shared values”. This guides me in all my dealings with people in general.

Aristotle wrote that great friendships can only be felt toward a few people, but they yield a wonderful sense of satisfaction and contentment. It is a rare blessing to connect with someone on this deeper level.

So when we reflect on our lifelong friendships, what qualities have kept us connected “by the heart”?

I know that I have a few precious friends with whom I’ve stayed connected since high school, university and from the first few weeks we arrived in Canada 55 years ago. With these people, I know that the friendship is heartfelt because we genuinely care about the ups and downs in our lives and our families’ lives.

My own children have long-lasting, heartwarming friendships with friends from elementary school!

Some of the most precious friendships in the world are familial friendships. The bonds between parent and daughter, parent and daughter-in-law, parent and son, parent and son-in-law, and between grandparent and grandchildren are felt very viscerally. These relationships are born in love and grow into strong bonds of respect, caring, joy and yes, worrying together, too. These relationships are irreplaceable.

It is an absolute joy to see the sibling friendships between and among my grandchildren and between my children, their spouses, their in-laws. These friendships are gold!

Spousal friendships are beautiful and when they grow into “best friends” for life we know the meditative serenity that they bring. Just sitting quietly in friendship with a spouse as we each read, or follow individual hobbies, or watch something of interest is comforting. There are lasting friendships among relatives, too, like those with our own siblings, cousins, cousins-in-law, families-in-law and other relatives. These may have been born out of love but also out of trust, respect, admiration, and true tests of time.

In today’s world we are seeing friendships that have grown online. These would be what we, in years gone by, would equate with “pen-friends”. Today they exist through social media, messaging or digital pathways. But do they replace live in-person friendships? Can we be physically, emotionally and psychologically present for our friends digitally? Possibly. Just being with someone in person may not necessarily supersede the comfort of supportive words from someone afar. That person could very well share similar values with you, empathize with you and in Aristotle’s context are alike with you in virtue.

I know from experience that my friends in distant lands whom I only see every few years can brighten my day with just a few heartfelt words that show they understand me totally. Conversation is so important for our human souls and so often those conversations are happening more and more with distant friends digitally because close-by, in-person friends are busy with their own lives.

It’s important to make time for friends. When people are young and if they are fortunate enough to have many choices for friends they may tend to change friends often depending on their environments. Then in adulthood as people become busy with careers perhaps friendships become more selective. Folks decide to spend the limited time they have with fewer friends, those with whom they share interests.

If young adults choose to become parents, many will choose other young parents their own age and share time with one another’s young families together. Some have strong enough friendships with their friends who choose not to have children and they consciously make time for those friendships. When their kids grow and go off to college is when many adults first start to feel the intrinsic beauty and value of positive friendships. It would be important at this stage to make time to meet with friends. And then as we retire we realize that we have more time; how we spend those extra chunks of time will shape how content we are socially. Not having many friends can lead to loneliness. All of these transition periods in our lives are important but we don’t always realize in those times how important it is to keep friendships meaningful.

Friendships are lifelong ventures. At each stage of our life, friends we can trust are such nurturing treasures in our lives. If we develop a reputation for cancelling on our friends or not being available to spend a few hours together then the friend-relationship will weaken, wane and may even fizzle away. It is important to plan time with friends with whom you have a mutually positive friendship. It indicates that they are worth spending time with.

Seeing friends in person is a sensory experience – seeing them laugh, speak from the heart, share important news, just walk together or sit across a coffee table are all experiences that are uplifting.

Letting go of those opportunities for great intervals of time can lead to feelings of sadness and disappointment.

Making friendships a priority especially in our later decades is a smart and happy thing to do.

Knowing how to be a good friend is a skill and a reward in itself.

And a life filled with family and friends, sounds of laughter and happiness, shared adventures and fulfilling pursuits – how special that is!

Thank you, readers! Many friends and family members contacted me asking, “Where is your March column?”I had given over to Fawzia Docrat and her amazing Camino walk in honour of International Women's Day in the month of March. It is so heartwarming to know that readers look for my column and so exciting that so many people, in so many countries, love our exhilarating and fabulous Desi News magazine! Thank you so much readers!

TRUTH BE TOLD

ARE YOU A GOOD FRIEND?