WHAT DOES GOSSIPING REVEAL ABOUT YOU?

By DR VICKI BISMILLA

A friend recently told me about a trusted neighbour who was rattled by a couple down the road who were spreading a hurtful story about a kind, gentle neighbour, a widower who had lived peacefully in his home for decades and passed away a year ago.

What concerned me was that if this man and wife duo were spreading unsubstantiated stories about an old man who was no longer around to defend himself, what were they saying about other neighbours and to whom.

When you look up the destructive power of gossip, there are many spiritual and religious centres and published materials that quote from religious scriptures about the evils of gossip.

There are also scholarly research articles that delve into rumour mongers who use gossip for social control in their neighbourhoods or places of work. And, of course, social anthropologists and novelists explore the malice of gossipers who use twisted lies or partial truths as their means of attaining group solidarity among like-minded people, plunging social mores into strange ugly depths. But what about ordinary, peace-loving people who find that their beautiful, quiet neighbourhoods are being infected by the poison of a few?

A gossiper’s intent is to cause suspicion, conflict and divisiveness. So when someone gossips to us it is a good reminder that we should never do the same. We recognize the ugliness of the action and vow never to stoop that low.

Dismissing the information and diplomatically putting a stop to it are important first steps so the gossiper knows that your ears are not fertile ground for their venom.

Saying to them that you would rather not be included in a discussion about a neighbour may gently send your message to the gossiper. And never share personal information like health or even when you are going on trips with people who cannot be trusted.

What about when you hear gossip about yourself? It is easy for friends to advise you to ignore it. It is sometimes very difficult to ignore hurtful comments. If possible, dismiss the rumour and tell the friends or neighbours who inform you that it is a lie. It is important not to be ashamed or act agitated as this gives the impression that there may be nuggets of truth. When it is safe to do so, talk with the gossiper calmly and tell them that what they are saying about you is incorrect and ask that they stop. If this is at work and they react harshly then you will need to take it to a counsellor and follow human resources protocol. If this is in your neighbourhood and the gossiper reacts harshly then walk away and ignore them. It may take time but soon neighbours who hear the gossiper’s rumours about different people will realize the gossiper is malicious and keep their distance too.

The silver lining in the situation of a gossipmonger on your street is that there are neighbourhoods where peace-loving people are dealing with a lot worse like screaming couples, dirty and junk strewn yards, boundary encroachers, out-of-control pets, drug abusers and other horror stories. At least with a nosy, low-class gossiper you have the protection of good neighbours who already realize the true nature of the person or will soon find out.

As an update on the situation of the gossiping couple who were spreading the rumour about the widower, the other neighbours on the street are now keeping their distance, just waving hello and saying “good day,” but steering clear of them.

As I have written before, never assume shared values. It is such a comfort to have wonderful neighbours on your street who are kind, caring, respectful and helpful people. Be friendly, polite, share gardening tips, enjoy the beauty of nature, even take short walks and appreciate the weather together. Many of us are so fortunate that neighbours give reciprocal assistance with car trouble or small repairs and advice about schooling or academics. Be grateful for that. But it is not necessary to share personal information with anyone but close family and the few bosom friends who have loved you, cared about you, watched out for you and stood by you in your times of need. You have likely reciprocated by helping them as well, and over the years, precious bonds have developed and solidified. Those are the people with whom you share innermost thoughts and seek advice in the safety of your sacred friendship.