ONLY THE LONELY

By SHAGORIKA EASWAR

According to a mid-2021 survey by Statistics Canada, more than 40 per cent of Canadians feel lonely some or all of the time.

Shocking as those numbers are, they are sadly, not surprising. We have all felt isolated and “left out” on occasion.

Here’s a silly exchange with a dear friend as an example. Before the ubiquitous WhatsApp groups and other chat groups on which people post everything for common consumption, there were those chain emails that did the rounds.

I was vocal in my desire to opt out. Most were silly and a waste of time, I believed, and I preferred communicating one-on-one. I’m afraid I did not keep my views private.

So my friends exchanged those emails and I was none the wiser. Until I received a forward from my friend Pheroza. It had been sent to her by our common friend Jeeth who was in touch with me regularly.

But Jeeth hadn’t sent it to me. What else was I missing out on, I wondered. 

I wrote to her, asking why I had been left out. I was in my 30s and should have known better. But insecurity can strike at any age.

Jeeth calmly reassured me that the only reason I wasn’t copied on that email was because I had said I didn’t want to receive such emails.

“No good deed shall go unpunished!” she concluded.

I was reminded of that while reading Ritu Bhasin’s We’ve Got This.

“You know, I often feel invisible in our circle, like I don’t matter,” she said to her sister and two friends.

“It’s like there are tiers in our friend group and I’m on the outer ring. Sometimes it’s like I am nonexistent.”

“Or when I message in our WhatsApp group, there are many times when no one acknowledges what I’ve said. It’s like crickets chirping.” The feelings are now overflowing. “But when one of you messages, it’s like ping, ping, ping...” My voice trails off as I start to tear up.

And then a friend tells her (after a whole lot of awwws and reassurances), that she sometimes feels Bhasin is uninterested in the group chatter and too busy with work to engage.

Bhasin digs deeper into her feelings and realizes that “at times, I’m also only giving out crumbs in my friendships and I too can treat others like a yo-yo.”

While she traces it back to trauma she’s experienced, there are other takeaways for her, too. That she can be judgemental and elitist. She resolves to be more present in her relationships and to treat others better.

It’s not just about how people treat me.

A similar thread ran in the popular comic series For Better Or For Worse by beloved Canadian cartoonist Lyn Johnston. Elizabeth is feeling ignored by her friend Dawn who is never available when Elizabeth wants to hang out.

Elizabeth puts up a brave front for Dawn, but mopes around the house. Her brother Michael tells her that she was the one who dropped Dawn when she began dating Anthony. That Dawn felt discarded, dispensable, and now she’s doing the same to Elizabeth.

She just wants her friend to be more understanding, says a plaintive Elizabeth.

Isn’t that what we all want? Understanding friends who are there for us whenever we need them? But as we get busy with our lives, how often do we make the effort to be there for our friends?

Loneliness can be corrosive. In an article in C2C Journal, Aaron Nava described it as the “other pandemic”.

“In a digitized world where you can connect instantly with almost anybody – often by mere voice command – it seems hard to imagine anyone could ever feel alone,” wrote Nava. “Nevertheless, our era’s widespread and chronic sense of loneliness is inescapable. Despite our natural human drive to seek happiness and fulfilment through contact with others, Canadians find themselves suffering from the physical and mental damage wrought by social isolation.”

And that while the pandemic contributed to and even exacerbated the isolation, “experts were fretting about a ‘loneliness epidemic’ and its effects long before public health officers forced isolation upon us”.

“It’s not just that it’s a drag to feel lonely; the effects can be catastrophic for your health. Loneliness is associated with numerous unhealthy behaviours like smoking and physical inactivity, worrisome symptoms such as poor sleep and with a long list of ailments and conditions from high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease to a weakened immune system.

“The loneliness epidemic is worse among young people, despite all the technology that should make social interaction easier. Researchers say social media makes young people feel isolated and left out, giving the impression that others are living better lives, and that can increase anxiety and depression.”

At the other end of the spectrum are senior citizens, often single, mourning the loss of a partner, or part of a diminishing circle of friends that can continue to meet in person.

A hairdresser once told me that she had “regulars” – ladies who came in to get their hair done once a week.

When I expressed some surprise at the frequency, she said something I will never forget.

“They come for the comfort of a human touch, there’s no one that physically touches them any more.”

How unbearably lonely must that be.

I also think of the elderly gentleman who said he didn’t watch television any longer. It used to be a shared experience, he said. He and his wife would laugh at a funny scene together, or he would tease her when she wept at another. They would say this actor looked just like their son and that one like their granddaughter. After his wife passed away, he didn’t have anyone to do that with.

Some of these situations are thrust upon us, others sneak up on us as we embrace a treadmill of a lifestyle.

For your mental health and that of others you care about, get off the treadmill periodically. Connect with others. Meet for a coffee if possible. Or set up a time for a video call. And if neither works, share a recipe or a joke via email or text message.

The laughing emoji or gif – or that chain mail you claim you’re not interested in – you receive in return might just make your day!