HOW OUR SIBLINGS IMPACT OUR ADULT LIVES

By DR KAREN GAIL LEWIS

This month, when many desis celebrate Rakshabandhan, an insightful look at the bond between brothers and sisters reveals how family environment can impact sibling relationships.

Often unwittingly, parents set the stage for how siblings see and relate to each other – both in childhood and as adults.

In Sibling Therapy: The Ghosts from Childhood That Haunt Your Clients’ Love and Work, Dr Karen Gail Lewis examines how the dynamics of these relationships, including birth order, rivalry, and parental favouritism, can affect one’s self-esteem, ability to form lasting relationships, and career success.

Do you find yourself struggling with your relationship with your sibling? Do you often think, “If only they weren’t so mean,” or “If only they would change, everything would be better”?

Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple.

“In my 50 years of experience working with siblings, I’ve discovered that what they perceive as the problem is often just the surface level, writes Dr Lewis. “The root of their current issues may have been established years ago.”

Naveed is in therapy for depression after separation from his wife.

Risa and Jaypal have not spoken for the past nine months, having engaged in bitter arguments for years. They are now seeking assistance to improve their communication.

“My fundamental belief is that individuals have the capability to resolve their own issues. If they are unable to do so, it’s likely because they lack crucial information or are viewing the situation from a distorted or obstructed perspective. Therapy is typically sought when their attempts to resolve the problem have been unsuccessful.

“I have identified a recurring pattern in the distortions or blocks experienced by clients. Although it doesn’t apply to every client, it is significantly more frequent than a haphazard pattern.

“In situations where therapy seemed to be at a standstill, I would pose three targeted questions about their early childhood relationship:

“Were you and the sibling you currently have issues with close during those early years?

“Who did you and your sibling perceive as the favoured child of your mother/father?

“What were the assigned roles for each of you?

“Through these questions, I began to identify four key concepts:

“1. Frozen images: The emotions and attitudes one held towards a sibling during early childhood can become deeply ingrained, resulting in a lasting impression of how they are perceived today, even if significant changes have occurred. These perceptions, whether positive or negative, can become  ‘frozen’ and remain unchanged for many years to come.

“2.  Crystalized roles: Parents often assign labels to their children, which can dictate their behaviour and identity,: the funny one, the intelligent one, the difficult one, the irresponsible one, or the solitary one. These roles can become crystallized and shape an individual’s sense of self, impacting their personal and professional lives, even if they no longer align with their current reality.

“3. Unhealthy loyalty: This idea is nuanced. Although family loyalty can be positive, it may be perceived unconsciously as an acceptance of one’s rigid role. This can result in self-sabotage by a sibling, who may limit their potential in order to uphold the established roles. Consequently, this can have negative consequences on their romantic relationships and professional success.

“4. Sibling transference: This occurs when individuals carry over their perceptions and roles of their siblings from early childhood into adulthood. They may interact with people in their present life based on the  patterns they had with their siblings in the past. This behaviour may lead to unhealthy loyalty and hinder their growth and success in life.

“The complexity of these behaviours lies in their unconscious and inconsistent nature, making it difficult to recognize when a sibling is caught in such situations.

“Let’s revisit Naveed, Risa and Jaypal.

“Naveed expressed an idealized perception of his wife as perfect, believing she could assist him with his weaknesses, such as communicating assertively and staying organized. When she left him, Naveed struggled to understand why, repeatedly citing her statement that he was not an equal partner and needed to be constantly pushed along.

“Naveed held his wife in high regard and often sought her guidance. During therapy, he shared his admiration for his older brother, who had always been supportive and inclusive. His brother taught him practical skills, such as cutting a hamburger and riding a bike, and was a constant presence in his life.

“He revealed that his wife reminded him of his brother, which was one of the reasons he fell in love with her. In this scenario, Naveed’s positive childhood memories of his brother led to a sibling transference to his wife.

“Siblings Risa and Jaypal, only two years apart in age, frequently engaged in arguments, which ultimately resulted in their long estrangement. However, when questioned about their relationship during their preschool years, they both acknowledged being very close. They also agreed that Jaypal was the charming and likable one, while Risa was the intelligent one.

“Unfortunately, Risa had to abandon her dream of becoming a brain surgeon when she fell ill and instead settled for a retail job. Jaypal pursued a doctoral degree in Astrophysics but struggled to complete his dissertation, leading him to take an entry-level job in another field.

“What we see is the crystalized role of Risa as the smart one thwarted by her illness, while Jaypal remained (unconsciously) loyal to his role, which impeded his ability to progress in his education and career.

“It’s important to note that not every client’s situation relates to these four concepts, but in my experience at least one of them often is the origin of so many of the issues that  they encounter.”

• Dr Karen Gail Lewis is a veteran marriage and family therapist. She has been in practice for over 50 years and is the author of numerous books and professional articles on marriage, gender communication, single women and adult siblings. For years she has presented at national and state conferences both nationally and internationally.  Her newest book is Sibling Therapy: The Ghosts from Childhood That Haunt Your Clients’ Love and Work.