WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE

By DR VICKI BISMILLA

In her article We Are Not Entitled to Anyone’s Friendship, Mungi Ngomane opens with a quote from her husband:

“Diluting yourself for other people does not make you a better person.”

What a powerful piece of advice!

This ten-minute read is an essential primer on friendships.

In the article, Ngomane, an African American, deals with the issue of white supremacy.

Before the 2016 American elections she had close friends who are white. In a democracy it is perfectly understandable that people vote according to their own political will. In a group of friends there will be those who vote for one party and those who vote for another according to their own principles and the leader’s campaign platform, knowledge, leadership strengths and character.

But what happens to friendships when someone you assumed was a friend voted for a racist, sexist, xenophobic, hate-inciting, misogynistic, sexual predator? Half of America voted that way in 2016.

The man had no policy, no intelligence, no platform, no values, no knowledge of the American constitution and he proudly spewed hatred toward minority communities. This was what he was offering America and half of America lapped it up twice, once making him president and narrowly missing the mark the second time.

This hate-filled leader unleashed hatred across America. Xenophobic people crawled out of the woodwork, free to espouse hatred without any care because they were supported at the highest level of politics, not only by the person they had installed as president but by his party.

Oppressed communities in America became more oppressed and violence against them became the horrific sport of bigots egged on by their president.

Ngomane was shocked that her white friends voted for this man and then expected to just grab a drink with her after work. It led her to seriously re-examine her friendships.

Hatred ferments all over the world, in every country in some form or the other and too often leads to mob violence, destruction, murder, genocide and complete mayhem. The function of government is to bring people together but more often than not we are seeing the fanning of flames of hatred and divisiveness.

And when we see that hatred and division begin to rot their way into friendships we all need to make decisions according to our souls. Any claim of superiority by a friend over a friend, be it ethnicity, religion or social class is a game changer and deal breaker.

Take religion for example and follow this thought sequentially.

Religion is a belief in God.

God’s wisdom placed humans in all corners of this earth to develop their own language, their own way of thanking God and praying, or religion.

So to claim that one’s religion is superior to another’s is in fact claiming superiority over God’s wisdom that placed humans in far-off places to develop their own religions.

Hence claiming religious superiority over others is bizarre and disrespectful of God.

 In a past column I wrote about the excellent advice I was given by a wise Aboriginal colleague. I can still hear her say, “Never assume shared values,” and it plays in my mind regularly and reminds me to re-examine friendships.

Even people with whom we share a background or have known for decades and have even regarded as friends, do not necessarily share our values.

When we first realize that, we do a double-take and ask ourselves, “Did I hear that correctly?”, “Did that just happen?” and very often we set aside that difference and continue seeing them. But there are some behaviours that are not acceptable, non-negotiable.

As Ngomane points out, discovering a friend’s racist proclivities is one such behaviour. Another is when a friend subtly or overtly claims religious superiority over you.

We have seen the horrendous results of religious superiority across the globe where individuals and groups are persecuted, killed, maimed, tortured, burned and massacred, all in the name of religion.

So when a friend starts even subtly claiming religious superiority it is time to re-examine that friendship. As individuals, we may not be able to stop religion-spouting mobs around the world but as individuals we can certainly walk away from toxic friendships. A friend with whom I discussed this and with whom I do in fact have shared values, reminded me of the serenity prayer as she shared her thoughts on this:

“I am reminded of that beautiful prayer, ‘Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’. Realizing that there are certain points of view I cannot budge and that they are not just different from mine but affect my peace of mind, I am learning to distance myself from certain people.”

So for the sake of our souls and our health we need to walk away from toxic friends.