LIFE’S LESSONS, SMALL AND BIG

By DR VICKI BISMILLA

 While listening to some southern storytellers I heard this really important piece of advice from David Joy, a multiple award-winning novelist:

“Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth closed, and you might learn something.”

There are variations of this saying from multiple sources, but it was the power of those words that resonated with me. The southern states have produced some of America’s greatest award-winning novelists, poets, singers, songwriters, screen writers and actors and the documentary Southern Storytellers on PBS highlights the lives and work of those artistes talking about life and survival in the southern states.

The documentary is a serious look at poignant issues that penetrate lives in the south with their histories of racism, war, wounds, scars and poverty and it is difficult to do justice to the words of these great thinkers by trying to summarize them here. They need to be heard in the original.

But when I started to think about just that one quote, I appreciated the power of that advice to all of us regardless of where we are from.

We all know that this approach makes a lot of sense. In our professional lives we use this philosophy very purposefully, especially when negotiating a contract, conducting a workplace investigation, interviewing prospective job applicants or when chairing a dispute resolution process between multiple disputants. We are even very careful when addressing group meetings, giving speeches and when we are walking around the organization meeting employees. So, in workplace interactions we are circumspect and there are numerous scholarly dissertations and professional books on the topic.

This careful ‘think before you speak’ philosophy for many of us carries over into our personal lives and social interactions.

We develop a reputation for being quiet, listening in discussions, not being easily ruffled, and speaking selectively and economically. But these are the relationships that are most fraught with the possibilities of losing patience. I bet that almost all our readers have occasionally lost patience.

Sometimes in social interactions many of us may try to tolerate teasing, sarcasm, narcissism, and humour that is not funny. But do we not remember a time when our tolerance was exhausted, and we blurted out a retort and immediately realized we should have found a way to say nothing? It’s just not worth it. In most cases people cannot be changed. So, the art of ignoring would be a great skill to hone. In this regard, not surprisingly, there are many books and articles. 

However, there are cautions about this approach. For example, at www.mindtools.com the team cautions that continuing to tolerate people who perpetually irritate us can leave us feeling helpless, deflated, and miserable, leading to resentment and anger. They advise that before tackling the issue with the person that we assess the impact of discussing it with them. And if we do go ahead that we should be tactful and honest. But how likely is it that this person will change behaviour? Perhaps some of us may feel that developing our own coping mechanism is a better approach. In this regard there are articles that advise such basic skills as taking a deep breath, staying calm, not reacting, and developing some talking points that you can use to not have to listen to them. In taking care of our own mental and emotional health we need to decide for ourselves what our boundaries are, what we will not tolerate, and exercise our right to stay away from people who constantly take pleasure in pushing our buttons.

I have written before about not letting the figurative ‘pebble in your shoe’ dictate your life; either decide to live with it and let it hurt you, or stop, take off your shoe, toss out the pebble and continue to walk comfortably. Several people have told me that that was an ‘aha’ moment for them and some friends have said that they are now ‘toss the pebble out of my shoe’ people! It’s not easy and I am not always able to toss easily; but trying to take care of our emotional health is important and teaching the skill to our children and loved ones would be a good thing. 

But all of these small life lessons seem minor and unimportant when I think about what those phenomenal southern storytellers tell about the atrocities their ancestors and families have suffered.

Those who are Black in the south have had to overcome enormous and catastrophic hurts and tragedies. Yet when we listen to them, their bravery and resilience grab our hearts and minds. Their ability to carry on with determination, teach their children about the past and fill them with determination to succeed reminds us that strength of character is a precious gift. And those southern citizens who are not Black, who have empathy for those who have been treated atrociously, who work tirelessly to highlight the power of seeing right from wrong, show us that caring about human rights upholds the dignity of society. All these human-centred storytellers earn our respect.

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