I AM TRYING TO HELP A COUSIN IN A DIFFICULT PERSONAL SITUATION

By KULBINDER SARAN CALDWELL

Dear Didi,

With all your years of experience counselling readers – and I am sure members of your family and your friends – how do you stay objective and uninvolved? I am in trying to help a cousin in a difficult personal situation and though I want her to know there is a better alternative, I don’t want to push her into taking action. That decision, I believe, should be hers. But I get so angry at what she’s going through that I find myself doing just that, telling her it’s time to walk out. How would you handle something like this? – CONFUSED

I commend you for being a concerned and compassionate friend/cousin. I don’t believe you can stay objective and uninvolved when you are trying to help someone you care about out of a difficult and potentially dangerous situation.

However, I must make it clear that I am not a counsellor and I am assuming neither are you if you are asking this question. It is very important to note that if your cousin needs to leave a relationship or situation where there may be violence involved, they have to take the important first step to reach out to organizations and counsellors that can provide the support and guidance they need.

The role I play is of a certified professional coach which is very different from that of a therapist or counsellor. I have taken classes and gone to a school that provides me with tools and techniques which allow me to concentrate on the person I am coaching for them to take the right steps for themselves in their own time. My job is to assist them to become the best version of themselves by talking through situations and have them come up with their own action items based on what they have shared. I reiterate and point out to them what they have said themselves about the situation and what steps they feel comfortable taking. Once again, it is not my place to push them into taking action.

You are right that the decision should be your cousin’s and hers alone. And we really don’t know what is happening in someone’s life behind closed doors. So it is best to be that confidante and support system to your cousin so she can feel empowered to do the right thing for herself. It isn’t your life and therefore, it is not your place to get angry over what she is doing or not doing. It is her life. You may consider doing some research in what type of information she could use to make decisions and take actions but you can’t take the steps for her. Also, take care of yourself as well. It is not healthy taking on other people’s problems, especially if there is nothing you can do about it. Let her know you are on her side, no matter what she decides – that way you can be involved but you can maintain an arm’s length distance for your own peace of mind.