YOU TURN

TOGETHER 24/7. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?

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By TASLIM JAFFER-MURJI

How is your relationship with your spouse or partner doing under the current lockdown?

By now, most of us have adjusted to the “new norm” out there or in our professional lives, but many people find themselves struggling with adapting to the new normal of our personal lives.

The novelty of working from home and being around our family 24/7 has worn off and many couples are now confronted with the cracks in their relationship.

Tina and Roy* are in the online waiting room for our video conference session.

Tina is exasperated as she declares, “Roy is driving me nuts!”

He’s a workaholic, and now that he’s working from home, it’s like he thinks she’s his assistant, she says.

“I’m working too, and yes, I only work part-time and don’t have to be on conference calls all day, but not only do I have to get my work tasks done, I also have to make sure the kids are tuned in to their online school program as well. It’s like I’m working time-and-a-half every day, but he doesn’t get it!”

Roy’s tired eyes look into the screen as says, “I just don’t know what she wants. Yeah, I work a lot, I always have, but she knows it’s for our family. I try to help out when I can, but I just can’t turn off my screen and help the kids out with a math problem during the day when I’m on my zoom meetings.”

Helping this couple get to the heart of the matter involves explaining that it is “how” they engage around their differences rather than their actual differences that’s leading to feelings of disconnection.

In our first few sessions, we establish some concrete goals, and both agree on what needs to be addressed in therapy and identify a lack of appreciation, respect and affection. The couple work on developing mindfulness skills, including being present and aware of their feelings and reactions.

They learn how to assertively and respectfully communicate their needs. And begin to develop skills around noticing and interrupting their typical interactional pattern, a pattern that leaves them feeling empty, helpless, and alone.

Tina recognizes that the more she “nags” at Roy, the more he avoids engaging with her, and the more he avoids and withdraws from her, the harder she pursues him to engage with her.

As Tina begins to unpack the emotions underneath her frustrations, she recognizes a deep-seated wish for Roy to value and appreciate her and what she does for the family, their children, and both their ageing parents. Through our work together, Tina recognizes how she needs and drives Roy away. It’s a bit awkward and uncomfortable at first, but the more the couple practise, the more they can have their needs met in the relationship. As Tina opens up about her feelings, Roy starts to get clarity around what Tina needs.

We work together to help him learn how to help repair some of the old wounds that come up for Tina when he withdraws from her during their conflict. He develops the skills he needs to demonstrate his deep gratitude for everything Tina does, applying what he knows about her “Love Language”.

Tina notices and acknowledges his effort. She begins to show her appreciation and support for Roy, and the long hours he puts in at work for their family. They both feel acknowledged, loved and appreciated for their supporting roles in the family and are inspired to work on steering the ship together.

Roy and Tina both continue to learn ways to communicate their needs, develop the skills to respond versus react when their needs aren’t met and build the muscle of emotional attune-ment to lean into each other and be each other’s soft place to fall during these challenging times.

* Names changed to protect identity.

Taslim Jaffer-Murji, M.A (Counselling Psychology), RP, is a Registered Psychotherapist who has extensive experience working with the diverse South Asian community. She is passionate about helping couples cultivate deeply fulfilling relationships. She has a private practice in North York and offers individual and couple therapy and online counselling for clients throughout Ontario. She can be reached at therapy@taslimjaffermurji.com or (647)-500-3786.