SORRY FOR YOURSELF? SNAP OUT OF IT!

By DR VICKI BISMILLA

Over the years we all at some point come across acquaintances or co-workers or even friends and family members who fall into the trap of self-pity.

At work there may be the acquaintance who feels overworked, downtrodden, unappreciated, sidelined or in some way wronged. Being good listeners we, at first, listen, offer support and sometimes even advice. But when the complaining becomes chronic we begin to realize that we have to wiggle out of situations where we become a sounding board for self- pity.

But let’s face it. We too occasionally catch ourselves wallowing in self- pity. We may feel hurt by something someone has said to us or not said, like the folks who can never say, “I’m sorry” for something they did that hurt us; or we feel unappreciated, or insulted, bullied, left out or any of a myriad reasons. Being intelligent, resilient people, we realize quickly that this negativity is just not worth it. It does more harm to our health than any lesson to the offender. So we snap out of it and get on with so much that we have to achieve and we remind ourselves of all the beauty in our world and all the wonderful people in our lives. Self-pity is a waste of time and energy, and sulking is grossly ugly. It does not fix anything at all. In fact it likely gives your oppressor or annoyer reason to gloat!

However, even though some instances fall in the category of annoying, we cannot dismiss serious and legitimate reasons for sadness or hopelessness. People may be suffering serious illness, or are survivors of abuse, or people may experience homesickness or separation when they have to leave their families to relocate for whatever reason. Many millions of people suffer insurmountable sadness in becoming refugees who have to flee their countries and are left homeless by war and oppression. And with our tanking economy hundreds of Canadians have lost jobs and homes so their desperation and depression are real and we must not underestimate their real mental heath crises and needs.

Regarding self-pity, the National Library of Medicine has articles examining the connection between anger and self-pity. Several studies connected anger that had to remain unexpressed to feelings of loneliness and self-pity. Many of the articles maintain that anger and self- pity  will destroy you. Richard Smith a PubMed editor (2004) writes:

“D H Lawrence recognized the dangers of self-pity with lines that we all should remember: ‘A bird will drop frozen from a bough/Without once having felt sorry for itself.’”

Smith goes on to say that even the most powerful people in the world indulge in self-pity, like the time when Bill Clinton was consumed with self-pity when he was pursued by prosecutors for his sordid affair. He was shaken out of his self-indulgence by two people: a Rwandan woman who had lost her family in the genocide and by Nelson Mandela who reminded him that he had been imprisoned for 27 years by apartheid criminals.

He told Clinton, “I had to let it go...They took the best years of my life... They destroyed my marriage. They abused me physically and mentally. They could take everything except my heart and mind. Those things I would have to give away and I decided not to give them away.”

Clinton agreed, “If you don’t let it go it continues to eat at you.”

A University of Kent research in 2023 by Joachim Stoeber (www.researchgate.net) found that “...individuals high in self-pity showed generalized externality beliefs, seeing themselves as controlled by both chance and powerful others. With respect to anger expression, self-pity was primarily related to (keeping) anger-in. Furthermore, individuals high in self-pity reported emotional loneliness and ambivalent-worrisome attachments.”

In a PsychCentral article (2021) Hope Gillette reminds us that while it’s natural to feel a little self-pity at times, staying in this state of mind can prevent you from moving forward and being present.

Self-pity is not always the result of stress. It is often a need for validation. It is important to recognize this when you are wallowing in self-pity and to have a strategy to snap out of it which Bill Clinton clearly did not have until he was figuratively “slapped out of it” by reminders from people who had real reason to feel sad but snapped out of it to remain in the zone of reality. Rather than dwelling on ‘why do these things keep happening to me,’ move on to ‘annoying things happen sometimes’ and let go. Remind yourself that your little issue is minuscule compared to the real trauma being experienced by billions of people.

There are good strategies at pschycentral.com

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, a psychologist, writes in Psychology Today (August 2023):

“The way out of self-pity is to get inspired by those who break free of it. The more you open yourself up to feeling the collective energy of those people who keep going in the face of challenges and adversity, the more you will be able to do so as well (and) get out of self pity, be grateful for what (you) have, set goals and keep moving forward.”

Those who indulge in self-pity must try to understand that any perceived snub that they constantly focus on becomes larger, takes on an importance it does not deserve. Self-pity takes over.

It is a bad habit and if it becomes a regular habit it can have a negative impact on health. The stress of constant negative thought can be hard on blood pressure and heart and gut problems like ulcers. We can say these things to the constant worrier, however, if they themselves do not take steps to address their habit then there is not much we can do.

There is a blog site by Deborah Shelby called Tiny Buddha, Simple Wisdom for Complex Lives. She describes herself as a full-time working mom and her blog features people who have overcome huge barriers in their lives. One example is of a man named Tony Melendez born with no arms and with a club foot. He learned to play guitar with his foot and became a successful musician with several albums and a busy tour schedule. He even played for Pope John Paul ll.

Shelby opens her blog with this quote: “Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” – Walter Anderson.

However, despite the many writers above who have tackled the issue of self-pity as a personality characteristic, we must never underestimate true mental health conditions like depression, mood disorders and sadness especially in children. When children withdraw and stop enjoying the things they used to do or when they become quiet and disconnected, or their school grades drop suddenly, these may be signs of depression and immediate help needs to be sought. Seek medical help right away.

The first best step is to see your doctor or, in the case of children, a pediatrician.