COVER STORY

A CONSPIRACY OF SILENCE

Image credit: SOFIA GARZA on Pexels.

By NEHA KARAMCHANDANI

Fireworks. Children. Loud noises. Hiding. Abuse and anxiety. This is how Jessie Brar remembers spending Canada Day as an eight-year-old girl.

“There would be fireworks everywhere and everyone else (neighbour-hood children) would go, but I remember I would tell my mom I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see them. It would me remind of loud noises,” said Brar during a phone interview from her Toronto home recalling July 1, 2002. “I remember I would do anything to not go, I would hide in the closet, away from the loud noises that reminded me of all the stuff that was going on at home.

“It triggered my anxiety. There was a heavy feeling in my heart like I couldn’t breathe and a feeling like the world was closing in around me.”

Brar grew up in a South Asian home with her parents and two siblings. Her father was an alcoholic, she says, who abused the family. She often witnessed her parents fighting with each other until they got legally separated in 2004. 

“I was always upset; I didn’t know why it was happening. I thought I’m doing it to myself. On the outside everything was normal, but on the inside, it was not,” added Brar who is now a 25-year-old still suffering from anxiety and depression.

Jessie Brar: “There was a heavy feeling in my heart like I could not breathe and a feeling like the world was closing in around me.”

According to the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) website, in any given year, 1 in 5 Canadians experience a mental illness or addiction problem. Seventy per cent of mental health problems have their onset during childhood or adolescence, and an estimated 75 per cent of children with mental disorders don’t access specialized treatment services. The site also states that by the time Canadians reach the age of 40, 1 in 2 have – or have had – a mental illness. However, the impact of mental health on the South Asian community still goes unmentioned, often leaving children feeling alone and leading them down a path of darkness. 

“Within our South Asian community, there is a reluctance to talk about these topics and what I am seeing is that there are a lot of people who are suffering in silence,” says Dr Javeed Sukhera, president of the Ontario Psychiatric Association. “And that’s not good. It harms the community and the people in it. It also eliminates their chances to succeed. It is important to open the conversation and dialogue. We need to understand instead of passing judgement.

“There is this belief in our community that we’re exempt from mental health issues. That this isn’t something that happens in our community – there are things that protect us. But this is a myth. No one is exempt. Mental health issues don’t discriminate based on your religious or cultural background; there are lots of people in our community that are suffering and we need to provide them with empathy and compassion, not blame and shame.

“There are parents that feel very judged when their children are suffering, but they need to find the support and services they need,” added Sukhera who is also a practising child psychiatrist in London, Ontario.

According to the 2014 World Health Organization definition, “mental health is a state of well-being in which every individual realizes his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to contribute to her or his community”. This is different from mental illness, which is a diagnosed condition.

Each of them falls on spectrums that are interrelated.

In 2012, Brar moved to Queen’s  University to pursue an undergraduate degree in psychology. It was during this period that she realized she needed to make a lifestyle change and manage her issues.

“When I moved to university, my support system was now three hours away, so I had to relearn how to take care of myself when I didn’t have my mom or siblings around. That’s how I started to realize I needed to make a change. In the first year at university, I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t going to class. I was drinking a lot... I felt like I had no control over my life,” said Brar, now a well-known motivational speaker in the community and an outreach coordinator at Kids Help Phone.

“After this, I saw a presentation by a person who had a story similar to mine. That is when I found that it is okay to not be in control and to ask for help. I tried counselling and medications to see what works for me... I took a break because I realized I was using drinking as a way to cope with my mind instead of dealing with my issues,” said Brar.

She founded The Mental Health Spotlight in March 2013 as a vehicle to create awareness and fight the stigma around mental health in the South Asian community. Currently, she collaborates with other groups such as CAMH and SOCH Mental Health to organize workshops. Brar also attends conferences around the world to speak about her personal experience with mental health.

Others have initiated campaigns like #BellLet’sTalk, #338conversations and Not Myself Today to support mental health across Canada. These are supposed to break the silence, help fight the stigma and offer safe spaces for those suffering from a mental illness including families to come forward and share their stories.

Similarly, Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW) was created as an annual national public education campaign to help open the eyes of Canadians to the reality of mental illness. It was established in 1992 by the Canadian Psychiatric Association and is now coordinated by the Canadian Alliance on Mental Illness and Mental Health (CAMIMH), as noted on its website. Over the years, many organizations across Canada have supported this campaign.

A national outreach campaign – Faces of Mental Illness campaign – also takes place in October. It features the stories of Canadians living in recovery from mental illness. Thousands of pieces of materials featuring the Faces are shared with hundreds of organizations to raise awareness and end the stigma associated with mental illness.

Brar believes that the lack of awareness of mental health amongst children is still a concern in the community.

“Not that much has changed since I was eight. Children still don’t have the awareness. They keep it a secret and feel ashamed and ignore that something is wrong. Our parents are just starting to learn about it and working to erase some of the stigma,” she says, explaining that children should know they can reach out to services such as Kids Help Phone, especially when they are feeling sad or different from the children around them.

Amar Vaid: “Space is needed to sit and understand your thoughts in order to deal with mental health issues.”

Thirty-year-old, Amar Vaid agrees. “New parents should have more conversations with their children. It’s up to our generation that has been through the old mentality and now transitioning to the new. We should inform the older generation and the younger generation and educate them to help create awareness around mental health.”

Vaid grew up in an immigrant family in a small three-bedroom house with two siblings and her parents in Ottawa. She remembers it being difficult to find time to be alone and gather her thoughts. She developed challenges with her mental health but wasn’t aware of it.

“Space is needed to sit and understand your thoughts in order to deal with mental health. We were always consumed by our family members, confined in this small environment. My parents came from India about 40 years ago and started their life here, with ups and downs that I think I didn’t understand at the time.

“My dad worked long hours as a taxi driver, they dealt with racism and inequality. They would come home and feel angry and upset and take it out on those closest to them. There were always fights and arguments at home. As an adult now, I don’t have the patience and it really comes out when I’m in the heat of things. The environment you’re in when you’re younger has an impact,” said Vaid who resorted to sports as an escape mechanism to avoid the conflict at home.

She added that her experience being bullied as a child in school played a significant role on her mental health.

“Ottawa is predominately white. I was bullied. Girls would run away from me during recess and pick on me. They made me uncomfortable, they would make fun of my food and comment on the smell of curry. I never felt that I fit in until I played sports. My parents put me in places that I didn’t want to be, but now my friends are of different ethnicities and I can filter out who I want to be friends with.”

For Vaid, it was sports that gave her the confidence to combat her mental health challenges. It took a while, but she started seeking professional help to realize this outlet.

While she still suffers from anxiety, she runs her own fitness group – Preet Fitness – where she offers personal training and mental health education to women, especially those in the South Asian community.

Toronto-based registered psychologist, Dr Oren Amitay confirmed that second to divorce or separation, bullying is a common source of anxiety in children. 

“Children have this belief that some higher force or authority will protect them and take care of them. Unfortunately, today children don’t get that in the classroom. I work with parents who go to the teachers and principles and say, look at these children, they are taking my child’s stuff, they are teasing them and physically impacting my child or there is this out-of-control child and my kid is sensitive to that, so what about my child’s needs? A lot of parents feel like they have no control of the situation, so you can imagine the child. They go to school every day, and they feel this endangering chaos around them, which can have an impact on them and create anxiety.”

Dr Javeed Sukhera: “No one is exempt. Mental health issues do not discriminate based on your religious or cultural background.”

Dr Amitay, who is also a professor of psychology at Ryerson University, adds that while there is a lack of resources in the classroom to help children, parents are encouraged to work with their children through challenges.

“I try to get parents to be attuned to what is happening but not overreact. Sometimes children develop anxiety because parents create an intense environment. Parents are stressed and anxious and the kids feel that too. There’s this go, go, go environment. Parents need to be honest with themselves, find a balance. Kids are in 20 programs and parents are pushing too hard. Parents need to get off social media and reading blogs to see what is normal because it impacts their children. 

“Parents learning to breathe themselves can help them see their children better and engage with them in a productive way. If you’re calming yourself down, the child will feel that way too, calm and strong,” he added. 

Some parents like Priya Dhawan are actively utilizing Dr. Amitay’s strategies in their relationships with their children.

“My six-year-old daughter participates in three activities at the most each week. I also provide her with a secure environment to express her feelings and emotions,” said Dhawan, a single mother working at a bank in Toronto. 

“It’s okay to have single-parent families. My daughter asks questions and I address them instead of hiding it under the rug. I have these conversations openly with my daughter, openly and freely. She has a safe ground to express herself.”

Dhawan added that sometimes parents can have their challenges as well, but reluctance and making mental health an abnormal conversation with your child makes an environment more complex.

“I walk through those challenges and try my best. I remind myself that this human being relies on me. If you cannot provide for them, then what are they going to do? There are days when you are emotionally weak but when I need to answer, I’m there for her. It goes a long way for the child, if you educate them, then they will be a good human being. Love and attention are key and it’s your responsibility because the kid relies on you. They have nowhere else to go.”

Other community members are also working to make a difference in the lives of children.

Shivi Darubra’s book touches on depression, providing a supportive environment to children and reducing the stigma around mental health.

In 2016, Shivi Darubra published her first children’s book The Little Blue Elephant that touches on depression, providing a supportive environment to children and reducing the stigma around mental health.

“I noticed in schools that they don’t teach kids enough about mental health and awareness. There aren’t enough resources. They don’t talk about how to develop resiliency. It’s hard to find services and I wanted to build a book to create a conversation. It teaches children how to be a good friend for a loved one and what they can do to help and be supportive,” said Darubra, who had her own mental health challenges growing up.

She spent a few years researching and writing this book after finishing her bachelor’s degree from Wilfrid Laurier University. The proceeds go to the Toronto Sick Kids Centre for Brain and Mental Health.

“People will message me on Instagram about the impact of the book on their lives. Kids are resonating with the book. I had a man reach out to me that his child read the book during his divorce and it was a conversation starter. The book has a developed a life of its own. It is only as good as the community that believes,” added Darubra.

While parents help their children and schools build on their resources, Brar will continue to share her experiences and leave a powerful message with members in the community worldwide. “It’s completely okay to feel anxious, it’s normal. Find someone to talk to and know that you’re not alone.”

The Little Blue Elephant is available on Amazon and at Chapters Indigo.

COULD YOUR CHILD BE DEALING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES?

Here are the early warning signs to look for:

Behavioural changes – demeanour, socialization, withdrawal and performance in school

Less interested – in routine activities

Physical symptoms – headaches, tension and stress