COVER STORY
BACK TO SCHOOL FOR MOM AND DAD
Ryan and Khushbu D’Mello with Isaac and Luca. Image credit: LOVINA D’SOUZA.
By LOVINA D’SOUZA
Back to school. These words echoed all around homes and stores as August wound its way to the start of the new academic year.
September is a busy month for parents, education workers and students after a summer of camping, cottages and just good old kicking back. An exciting time for most children and parents as they start school in junior kindergarten, high school or university. But also a roller-coaster of emotions – happy, excited, curious, anxious, fearful, teary – for young and old.
How should we prepare our children for new challenges and new experiences?
I’ll never forget my own first day of school in India when my mom left me in the safe hands of teachers. I could not see her over the high walls of the school and I was terrified of the teachers. I was not ready to face the new world.
Mom guided me along with her positive parenting. I was lucky to have a mom like mine with her natural wealth of wisdom, knowledge, positivity, patience, and love.
There are many life lessons I learnt from her.
As I child, I observed her handling all the housework and lovingly looking after her mother while raising her kids.
I remember coming home with a low mark once, scared to ask for her signature on the report card. But my mom surprised me and I learnt that I could approach her easily, confide in her, and that she would understand, and guide me.
She trusted me implicitly. As I grew older, I had the freedom to explore, make choices, and be independent. Mom made everything look simple and easy. She showed that no mountain is too high to climb. As I started my career, she taught me to be responsible. She used many proverbs and would frequently say, “Work while you work, play while you play, for that is the way to be happy”.
She gave the best of life and education to all her five children.
After I got married, I was lucky to have mom with us. She taught me to use words that brought positive energy and strengthened relationships and to ignore negatives.
She took on any challenge life presented. To quote my husband Kevin, “Mom made sweet lemonade or tasty pickle from the lemons life gave her and even gave it to others to enjoy”.
Mom was my role model in life, and as a parent. She was a pillar of strength to me and Kevin in raising our three children. Having the wisdom of grandparents makes a huge difference in the lives of children.
Mom emphasized the value of staying connected, giving of our time, attention, and cheer.
She was pure of heart and loved everyone and gave much to anyone she encountered. She instilled kindness, humility, empathy, acceptance, forgiveness and faithfulness by example.
Mom encouraged a healthy balanced diet, active living, and rest. She was well educated, modern in her thinking. She had great memory, and could recite Shakespeare and poetry and could speak on any subject well into her 90s.
She feared nothing and had a zest for life. When she was hospitalized, she sang to the nurses and her great-grandson and chatted with friends. She was there for just a day. Later that night, Mom took her last breath at the age of 95 in October last year. The day before that, she had enjoyed shopping and visiting family. She showed that whatever your means and circumstances are, do your best, give your best and be that great example to your children.
Mom was a light that brightened everyone’s life.
As Father Henk Meijel said in his homily at mom’s funeral, I do believe that my mom is undocumented Saint Emilda.
My mom would tell my youngest son Daniel in a humorous way, “Come first in the class, okay?”
She repeated those words at the end of every phone call and made it fun. Her message was clear that he should strive to do well.
Daniel is starting his third year at Western University and mom’s words echo in our minds and hearts.
Iswar and Vidya Kissoon with Nolishaa and Ghavish. Image credit: LOVINA D’SOUZA.
I spoke to three couples who are experiencing back to school moments in different stages of the academic journeys of their children.
Ryan and Khushbu D’Mello’s son Isaac is in Grade 1 and Luca is starting daycare.
Iswar and Vidya Kissoon’s daughter Nolishaa is in Grade 6 and son Ghavish in Grade 1.
I have known Seema and Raj Singh since their daughter Sharn was starting with Ontario Early Years. Now she is in her second year at university, studying engineering science.
What are the challenges of raising young children?
Ryan: For me, the challenges fall into two buckets. First, who do I want to be as a parent, and how do I create a supportive environment for my kids? I constantly revisit my expectations, especially with so much parenting content on social media. Second, understanding how my kids perceive the world, and their learning style. We limit screen time and focus on play as a form of expressing themselves. This helps us uncover what they’re learning at school, how they’re applying that knowledge, and the curious questions bubbling inside them.
Seema and Raj: Our main challenge was learning to raise a child on our own, without any support from family who were in India. We wanted our daughter to grow up connected to our culture. So, we became involved in the desi community, going for prayers at the Gurdwara, speaking to our daughter in Hindi, and celebrating festivals.
How did you deal with and help your children deal with instances of bullying, if any?
Ryan and Khushbu: Bullying has been a topic of discussion in our home. We encourage our child to be open and tell a responsible person when he feels he’s being bullied. We read books that describe examples of bullying.
Iswar and Vidya: Fortunately, we have not had to deal with bullying so far. We train both kids to identify any form of bullying and to report it immediately to their teachers and us. It is important to observe any behavioural change in our kids.
Seema and Raj: We don’t have much to say regarding bullying. Our child has always been friendly and kind to everyone and so she always had lots of friends around.
How did you teach your children the value of nurturing relationships?
Khushbu: I explain to my eldest who understands a little more about relationships. We tell them both every night that no matter how you behave or treat each other, mommy and daddy always love you. I believe this feeling of being loved unconditionally helps in nurturing an honest relationship. And I would hope this goes further into their adulthood where they feel safe about talking to us.
Iswar and Vidya: Understanding and nurturing relationships is a long process and an important aspect of one’s life. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to inculcate certain habits to encourage and promote the value of relationships. As all our family are in back home, we make video calls to grandparents and family and keep the relationships alive. Giving attention, showing interest in school activities, playing together, are all great components that help maintain healthy relationships. We also provide children with opportunities to interact with other kids and neighbours through sports.
Seema and Raj: It all starts in your own home; young kids are very impressionable. They will listen to whatever their parents say. Therefore, it is crucial that the environment your child grows in is a safe and nurturing one. She sees how her grandparents, parents and our culture respect and care for their family, friends, etc., and has naturally learned to adapt these behaviours herself.
Did you learn new parenting techniques from your experiences or from your family and friends?
Ryan: There is a natural contrast between the parenting experience we lived through, and all the glimpses into other parent-child relationships as we grew up. So we have a sense of the types of parents we were drawn to while also knowing the parenting behaviours we didn’t want to emulate. Once you cross the threshold of having your first child, your observations change, and you refine your thoughts and techniques. We’ve picked up a lot from our friends and family, while recognizing that everyone is different.
Iswar and Vidya: Learning is a lifelong process in any aspect – parenting is no different, especially in this fast and evolving world. Growing up, we learnt parenting techniques from our parents and family. What we did is create a blend and incorporate all the new learnings to provide an upgraded and adapted version of parenting and we believe it will shape them into good people.
Seema and Raj: Raising our only child alone in a new country certainly had some challenges. We learned to rely on the help of close friends. As our child got older, we learned that standing our ground can often be discouraging to the child. Instead, it is better to explain, as this helps the child to understand. So, the best parenting technique would be to talk to your kids and be open, and equally important, we should listen to our kids too. As they get older, our kids become wiser too. We have learnt just as much from our daughter, as we have taught her.
Sharn Singh. Image credit: LOVINA D’SOUZA.
What tips do you have for young parents with children going back to school?
Ryan: Kids spend a lot of time away from their parents while at school, and I’m sure every parent wanting to find out about their child’s day is greeted with the standard “I don’t know” or “It was fine”. Try to find ways to entice your kids to talk about their day with situational questions or other forms of expression.
Khushbu: From my own experience, I believe preschool helped build a routine. The challenge I faced was as a working mom with finding solutions for pickup/drop-off and/before and aftercare programs. Days when children are sick are a struggle for working parents. It’s important to build good relationships with other parents. We’re fortunate, good friends have jumped right in to help.
Iswar and Vidya: Provide children with the best education; not only academic but also moral values, mutual respect, accepting failures and learning from them. Spend time with them, engage in activities and encourage them. Share wisdom of grandparents and family. Promote a healthy, balanced diet, lots of reading including sacred scriptures. Inculcate a culture of happiness, laughter, and nonviolence. Laugh more, worry less!
Seema and Raj: Applying to university can be a very exciting and stressful time with different choices. We need to guide but leave the decision to the kids. Forcing them to take a different career path than what interests them helps no one. As parents, having raised and watched over our child all this time, we were worried about how she would live on her own. We have taught our daughter good values and we trust her to know what is right and wrong. And of course, if she ever needed anything, we would always be there. Our advice for other parents would be to simply trust your child.
We have raised our daughter to respect herself and others, to persevere. She has always been driven to work hard and is excited to study and find a career. University can be very stressful with all the homework and exams. We want her to know that she should take time to relax and enjoy. We will be there whenever she needs. We feel confident that we are doing our best.
So as we see, parenting styles may differ, but parents share a common goal, to raise their children to be respectful and successful individuals and community members. Participating and attending parent council meetings and programs in schools can help you connect with other parents and learn from others.
Education starts at home, lessons at school and community come later. Even though formal education is important, and it is a pleasure to see our children’s accomplishments, it is even more important to nurture values, skills and provide tools to live a happy, healthy, balanced, content life with humility and grace. Raising our children to be responsible, confident, empathetic and caring members of the community is not only a parental responsibility, it’s our pride and joy. It is important to develop life skills like cooking, laundry and being handy at home along with survival, relationship and career skills from a young age. Children absorb a lot just from watching.
Kevin and I have adapted and changed a lot from how we were as young parents. We learn from our children in the course of our chats. Communication and trust in our children are very important and help us understand their world, challenges and accept and change our thinking and expectations.
Daniel, Michelle and Caroline with their grandmother Emilda Rodricks.
Our mantra? Maintain a loving relationship and repeat words of love and assurance. “We love you and are there for you any time, no matter what, even if you fail or make big mistakes.”
Take the time to enjoy your children. May your parenting be a joyful experience.
As Angela Schwindt said, “While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”