COVER STORY

LOVE IN THE TIME OF NEWCOMER ANGST

While the world celebrates love on Valentine’s Day, some international students face societal and family pressures even far from home. Image credit: GRGUN VUCKOV on Unsplash.

By ANDRE GOH

According to Immigration Canada, there were over 800,000 international students studying in Canada in 2022.

By the end of 2023, it was anticipated that the numbers would swell to just under one million international students in the country attending various universities and colleges.

Of these, more than 41 per cent are from India. Or, put another way, a little under 400,000 Indian nationals are enrolled in Canadian academic programs. Ontario is the primary destination, with over 52 per cent of all international students choosing to study in the province. British Columbia is next, at a distant 19 per cent.

The increase in numbers of international students from India and neighbouring countries in the subcontinent is fairly recent. Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, the country with the highest number of international students in Canada was China. But after 2019, it changed. Today there are about 100,000 Chinese students in Canadian institutions.

With so many Indian students, I wondered what supports are being put in place to help these young international students cope with adapting to new ways in a new land. Whether it is the cultural difference, the lack of social networks and support, or the limited and isolating experiences of living away from home and friends, how do these young people survive?

In particular, I wanted to explore one challenging yet significant issue that some of these young South Asians face in living away from home, coming to Canada, and trying to escape potential future pitfalls.

Let me start by introducing three young men who are in Canada to further their academic knowledge and credentials. These three men shared their thoughts about living far from family and family connections for the first time, and having a taste of once unavailable freedom. Because these young men continue to have deep connections and obligations with family, I have kept their identities confidential.

The first, Student A, is in his 30s. He completed his undergraduate and graduate studies at various universities in a large city in his home country. He is now  on a trajectory to complete his PhD in a field that will open doors for him to become an academic at universities either here or elsewhere.

Student A comes from a small family of four. This includes his parents and a younger sister. He thrived in academia and he had a vibrant social life in his home city, describing himself as outgoing, friendly, and curious about life.

He shared that his parents tried to arrange a match for him twice, without success.

In both cases, he called off the matchmaking because “it was not right”. He said his parents want him to marry a local girl, and settle down with a family. However, he knows that he is also attracted to men, and that he’s known this since he was a teenager. When Student A thinks about future scenarios, he sees two possibilities. In one, he is with a wife and children and a discreet life of having sex with men; and in another, he is able to be his true self and enjoy the happiness he yearns for, being in a loving same-sex relationship. He feels that the cultural, social, familial, and professional expectations in his home country will require him to marry a woman, and this will burden him and/or his wife with a dual life, one that is out in the open and the other that is in the shadows. He likes the freedom that Canada offers where he can choose to be himself without societal or professional repercussions.

Student A would like to remain in Canada, partly for professional reasons, but mostly because he believes he can have a more honest, open, and happy life here.

Student B is a 24-year-old man,  here to complete his undergraduate studies in a field that is not his passion, but will give him practical and professional options for the future.

The oldest of three siblings, with two younger sisters, he said this degree will make his parents proud because they will be able to “brag” to family and friends that they have a son in a prestigious field of study.

After high school, he completed a certificate degree at a technical college. He worked for a couple of years in what he described as a “mindless and soulless” job but one that allowed the family to promote his intellectual and potential social standing.

But he always dreamed of going away to study and maybe start a new life that is away from his family and relatives. He knows that he is gay, but had to be discreet back home and was forced to date a young woman. The experience was awfully hard and has left a real fear in him about forcibly having to be with a woman. He is desperate to find some semblance of happiness in life and worries that once he completes his studies, he will have to go back and get married. He knows this because every time he speaks with his parents, his mother hints about one or another potential young woman who would “be a match made in heaven”. He also worries that if he does not marry soon, his younger sisters will have to wait too many years before they can be married. The pressure to marry is cultural and societal for Student B, but also there is an unspoken but understood expectation that he needs to be married first, and then only will his sisters be allowed to be married.

In the end, an ideal solution for the millions of young women and men whose identities include being LGBTQ+, and who hope to be able to live authentic lives, is to have open and frank societal discussions about the pressures of marriage, expectations and burdens. Image credit: MAX BOHME on Unsplash.

Student B wants to stay back after his studies. He said that if he continues to live in Canada after his studies, maybe the family pressures will recede and he can start a life where he can be open, honest with himself, and “actually breathe”.

 He worries that the burden of this unspoken but heavy load on his shoulders will impact negatively on his life. He’s talked about depression, sadness, and isolation.

The third is Student C, a 27-year-old young man. He worked in the IT sector and then came to Canada for his undergraduate studies and is now completing his Masters. He is an optimistic young man, bright and smart, and said that when he completes his graduate studies, he wants to work here and hopefully, live here. He comes from a big family of six siblings, the only one who furthered his education out of the country. He is the second oldest and the oldest male child. An older sister and one younger sister are married. He believes his younger brother who is 24 will be married soon.

He said he had a long-term girlfriend in his undergraduate years and this continued into his first year of graduate studies. However, it ended after four years. Student C said he liked her, enjoyed sex with her, but did not see himself being completely open and honest with a woman. He said he enjoys sex with men equally and wants to meet someone who is compatible with his aspirations and goals. He’s hoping to develop a longer lasting connection with a man. He thinks about being married to a man, but also knows that he will need to marry a woman, at some point. Though his parents have not pressured him to get married, his father has indicated that as the oldest son, he is expected to take over the family business, which is not in his field of study and in a fairly conservative city and culture.

Student C said that for now, he will try and remain in Canada for as long as he can, and delay the necessity to get married.

These three young men all want to go through the current Canadian immigration process of completing at least two years of school, work for another three to four years as permanent residents, before applying for citizenship. All three said that one of the primary reasons for coming to Canada was to “escape” the pressures of suffocating family and societal expectations.

These three stories are a part of a small but potentially significant segment of the more than 400,000 Indian nationals in Canadian universities and colleges. Using the older and established Kinsey social study that stated about 10 per cent of a population is 2SLGBT+, they potentially represent more than 40,000 young men and women who identify as queer (this is used as an all-encompassing term of the 2SLGBT+  communities) and are in Canada. Based on the reasons that were provided by the three young men for why they are here, there could be a higher percentage of individuals whose identities include being 2SLGBT+.

In countries where the number of individuals who mostly and inwardly identify a part of themselves as 2SLGBT+, this could be millions of young men and women. The psychological, emotional, and societal implications of this unspoken, and mostly unaccepted identity have and will continue to create significant challenges for the individuals and their families.

These include a higher death toll due to suicide, a higher burden on the medical systems, broken and/or fractured families, and eventually, the potential for physical harm against these individuals and others. The Canadian Refugee Board (CRB) states that they review asylum applications that include 2SLGBTQ+ applicants, and the numbers continue to grow. The CRB also states that more than 30 per cent of their refugee claims come from the subcontinent.

In October 2023, India’s Supreme Court ruled against marriage equality (same sex marriages). The Supreme Court turned down a bid to make same sex marriage legal. The Supreme Court said that this is not a legal matter for the courts, but a decision for Parliament.

So what happens to the millions of queer young women and men who have to choose between being able to live a full and productive life, or one in which there are two lives and to always have to deal with the mental, emotional and psychological pressures of keeping the two lives separate and distinct?

As someone who has multiple identities, including being part Indian, I love India, her histories, her cultures, her long connections with global communities.

I believe that laws for same sex marriage can only be achieved when deep-rooted thinking and prejudice change, when society becomes more inclusive. This is a generational and cultural shift that is slow and far behind. 

The three young men featured in this article have stated that once they have completed their studies, they would ideally want to stay back in Canada. Not because life is better here, but because it is an escape from family and societal pressures. In a way, this could be Canada’s gain, but potentially at an exceedingly high price for their home countries and for the families and communities at home.

These three young men are only a small sample of the potentially large number of men and women who may choose to leave their home because being here allows them to live a more authentic and honest life. 

In the end, an ideal solution for the millions of young women and men whose identities include being LGBTQ+, and who hope to be able to live authentic lives, is to have open and frank societal discussions about the pressures of marriage, expectations and burdens.

If and when these discussions begin, perhaps the three young men in this article will be able to consider a ‘truer’ life and maybe lead to a happier life at home.